And I have no desire to attend a wedding or get married. Having a general conversation with people you find out so much about yourself. I discovered something this previous week, what I’m saying is probably shocking you, that I have no desire to get married again. Yes, I said it. I have no dreams of wearing a big puffy off white dress, walking down the aisle to some ridiculous song, saying ‘I do’ in front of people I may not like and feeding them. I don’t even have an honest desire to go to weddings this summer. Will I send gifts, of course, it would be rude not to. Yep, no desire on this side of the fence. So is that saying that there is something wrong with me? Absolutely not. This is my reasoning. In life, I have known far too many women that have rushed into marriage, myself included, for the fear of ending up alone, only to end up divorced a few years later and ending up the way they started, alone. There is nothing wrong with dating, having a relationship, a boo, a love thing, there is nothing wrong with that, but I am at the opinion that I do not want to tell my daughters that their highest aspirations should be education, marriage, and children. I think that as a society, too much emphasis is put on marriage instead of thinking about the reality of what we are teaching our girls. That you should only wish to be a scholar for a little bit, but a wife and mother forever. Now I’m not saying that people that have the marriage gene, the parenthood, stay at home mom gene, are wrong. Not in the least. To each it’s own. What I am saying is that I want my girls and my boy to dream big and to travel and see the world and experience life before they settle down.
I got married at the age of eighteen. There are no classes that tell you how to be a wife. You mimic what you see in your parents. So if there is dysfunction in their relationship, guess what, you will end up with dysfunction in your relationship, especially at such a young age when you don’t even know who you are. I was married for eight years and we only lived together for one. Do the math…. any who…. as I have grown older and somewhat wiser, I know now that I was far too young to get married. I was far too young to be a parent at the age of nineteen, but she’s fourteen now and she’s no worse for the wear. What I will say is that it is different at 34 than it is at 18, you look back and you say what the heck was I thinking. But this is what I know.
As people, females especially, we do not put time into getting to know ourselves as an individual. It starts early in middle school when some of us feel the need to be paired to someone else. Then in high school, you feel the need to spend your waking time with another person instead of discovering the things that we know and love about ourselves. We are not whole until we establish what it is that makes us happy. Last year, I went through a period where I became co-dependent on someone else to make me happy. The problem came when I was anxious all the time worried about insulting or injuring his feelings, while not worrying about my own. In the end, I ended up heartbroken, my children ended up disappointed, and I had to deal with the fall out. The end result though was what I think God intended to happen. He wanted me to know that I need to work on me and put more focus on what is important. For me right now, it’s my five-year plan, which includes getting myself through college.
I am firm believer that experiences in life shape us into the people that we are going to be, but I am also a believer that we can choose if we want to be alone or not. So as far as my comment above, right now, I have no desire to walk down an aisle, there are far too many pieces in my puzzle at this moment to even consider being in a relationship. My children have that desire for me. The one thing that I repeat to them is that, when we look to choose a mate for ourselves, we may not choose the mate that God has created for us. It’s best to stand back, sit still, and be patient and wait because when we search, we are not in our season. I know this is a difficult concept for some people, but waiting never hurt anyone and I’m not the first woman to feel this way and I sure won’t be the last. I know that most people these days are afraid of leaving the world alone and unattached; the one thread that runs through my head is that we entered this world alone. We were not born with a spouse attached to our hips; we were born to be individuals. I wish I knew at 18 what I know now, that I need to spend time with myself to know what I really want in a mate.
I wish the conversation would change a little in society as a whole. I wish that women like me would not be stigmatized and treated as if we are sad because we are alone. Trust me, as long as I have books and children I am never alone. I want my daughters to know, and read this later in life, that it’s okay to be single. It’s okay to not settle down as soon as you have degree in hand. It’s okay to not worry about who you are dating. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with traveling and seeing the world and for sure nothing wrong with curling up with a good book and a glass of wine on a Friday night.