Changing Course

This year has been a learning experience to end all learning experiences.  I can say that I have walked through a lot of fire in my life and have the burn marks to prove it, but have never felt as empowered as I feel today.  Most of the time I felt defeated and retreated back into my world of work and education and books and children.  But this year, with a failed relationship behind me, I am reminded of a line from Sex and the City the movie.  For you girls out there that know what I’m talking about, you will instantly understand.  There is a moment when Samantha realizes that she is at a cross roads with Smith Jared.  She knows that their relationship must end for her to be happy.  She looks at him and says “I’m gonna say that thing that you are not supposed to say, I love you, but I love me more.”  That is what this year has been.  I have loved friends and an ex boyfriend, but after the situations that I have experienced, I love me more.  I love who I am and who I have become more.


As I sit and write this, I realize that this life is short and we know that we hear that on a regular basis.  My father died before he reached 40 years old.  I imagine that he had a laundry list of things that he wanted to do and didn’t get around to it.  I don’t want to have a laundry list of things to do or a laundry list of regrets.  This year, I walk with a sense of pride that I have no regrets.  I have no diminished feelings of self-worth because things didn’t turn out how I planned them.  Life is life for a reason and our trajectory, our path, could change at any moment.  Our momentum could change and we could go from people who are super passionate about certain parts of our lives to people who realize that it was time wasted when we should have invested in ourselves.  I don’t want to say that I have wasted any time when I get to the end of this journey called life.  And it is a journey so why is it that sometimes we think that we have to be wrapped up and tangled up in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex to be happy?  I am finding this year that we don’t, when it was there, I felt as though I changed myself to suit this person, he ruined it, now it’s gone, I don’t have to change me to suit anyone.  I was told by a friend of my that she wanted to set me up on a date because she knew that I was lonely.  I responded, as long as I have books and children, I will never be alone and this is true.

So the lesson for me is this, love yourself and stay in love with yourself.  Why, because no one is going to love you if you don’t love you.  Same goes for respect, no one will respect you if you don’t respect you.  It is a concept that I understand now.  It took me a little bit to get to this realization but I wouldn’t trade anything for my journey and life lessons.  There is nothing wrong with changing course, there is nothing wrong with discovering what works for you.  Right now, my children, education, and work are my life.  I will continue to work hard to make myself happy even when I don’t feel like smiling.  I post this because there are some people out there that may need to hear my words.  There is someone who is struggling with themselves at this moment and not sure if they should stay or go.  If you are uncertain and you aren’t happy, go and work on you.  Find your source of happiness and go from there.

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