This year I have been in a state of learning experience. I didn’t follow-up my last post with anything because I had some soul-searching to do. Sometimes we need to take time to search inside ourselves for what is meaningful to us. In this state of learning, you have to open yourself up to the possibilities of things that make you uncomfortable to discover who you really are and you have to be vulnerable during that process. Notice I said who YOU are, meaning singular. Not only am I in my school program which rocks, but I am in a program in my life school of learning. I have learned so much about myself since January of this year and I am excited for what the coming year will bring. I am leaping forward with my eyes wide open.
I’m a realist. I am the person that believes that if the glass is half full or half empty, it’s just a glass of water that I can drink from. I have lived my life is a state of flux these past six months and I realized that I was in a state of unhappiness. Yes, those of you that have seen me and conversed with me have probably thought that I was happy, but I really wasn’t. I am at the point where life is full of learning experiences. It is full of finding out the things that we like and don’t like. Example, this year I discovered that there are fun things in life that I have been missing out on because of fear of not being viewed as a good mom and a strong black woman. I discovered this year that you can do plenty alone, you do not need someone to ride shot-gun with you. I also discovered a number of things that I dislike. I dislike people who make excuses for their actions. I dislike people who do not accept accountability and would rather blame the world for their state of flux instead of themselves. I had this discussion with an associate on Friday. In life, you wrong people admit it or God will punish you how he sees fit. Yes he will forgive you, but he also will teach you life lessons and continue to teach you life lessons until you get it. Until you get it and stop making the same dang mistake.
We as humans make the same mistake over and over and over again. We get it sometimes after we make the mistake the first time but this year I have met a series of people who keep repeating the same mistake over and over and over again. They, sadly, are old enough to know better and they keep repeating history. I have two words for these folks, STOP IT. You are not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting people around you. Your lies, your life, your mistakes, will catch up to you. Lies wrapped up in sincerity are just lies. You may mean it when you say it because of the thought that you will not get caught, but the reality is, what you do in the dark, always always comes to the light.
So the rest of my year will be spent leaping. I am leaping forward and not looking back. I am taking steps to make myself happy. I am learning that you don’t always needs someone to ride shotgun. You can do what you want and feel by yourself. I’ve struggled with that. I’ve struggled with being alone, which I’m really not because I have three kids, but you know what I mean. I’ve struggled not having that one person to have a profound adult connection with. After this year, I struggle no more. I now understand that sometimes, you should be the driver and the passenger because waiting for a passenger, the world will pass you by.
I’m an awesome person, which sounds so self-centered, but I feel it. I have done a number of things in my life that make me awesome and I will continue to do the things that will make me feel this way. I’ve worked at understanding this as of late. I wear a TON of hats. I have discovered that the time that I spend with me is much more valuable than the time that I spent with anyone else. The time that I spend with my children is much more valuable than anyone else. The time that I spend with my REAL friends, is much more valuable than any time I spend with anyone else. It is a process to get this and some people never get this.
As humans though, we have the super hero complex. We want to rush in and save people from themselves. I spent some extended time with an associate on Saturday night and he asked me “Why do you feel the need to rush in and save someone else who only wants a band-aid on their problem instead of being an adult and doing it themselves when you should be with people who don’t need saving?” I thought hard about this and it’s a good question and I think I attract people who need a super hero until they lose interest or you are no longer useful and then they move on. I am hanging up my cape, I can no longer save you, I’m worried about saving myself and making sure that I’m happy.
So this post is about leaping. I am leaping into the unknown with my eyes open and I will do what I need to do to ensure that the people who I associate myself with and surround myself with are like me, they don’t need someone else saving them. I don’t need saving to be honest. I have a firm grasp on what I want out of my life and I am headed in the right direction. As far as love, that can wait for me to get the things that I want. If God wants it to happen, he will let me know. This year has taught me to get closer to him and further away from man because man makes promises that he or she can not keep, God never makes a promise that he can not keep. Leaping into life, enjoying life, that is on my agenda for the remainder of this year and for the years to come. I am at the belief that if you are not a part of the plan, if you are not the equation that I can solve, then you are not relevant. To my friends that are worried about having someone to ride shot-gun in life, try riding shot-gun with yourself for a while. Leap into the unknown with yourself. Contentment for me comes from knowing my direction, not getting turned around, and being honest with myself. As one chapter in my life closes, many more have opened. Many more opportunities have presented themselves to me and I will grasp them and move, no, LEAP forward.