This morning was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Instead it turned into a nightmare. Autism sucks. As I sit here in the parking lot of the post office, yes, I’m sitting, I began to think back to this morning when the kids got up and they were happy and ready to start a new school year. Everything was fine, our routine was crisp, and the kids were excited. Well, nothing goes the way it is planned in my world. I realize this now. I wish I could get in my time machine and go back to six am and start over again and then I realize that my flux capacitor is not working, therefore sadly my DeLoreaon in the shop, and I would just be stuck. I would be stuck in the moment that caused me so much frustration. I can honestly say that in the past several weeks, I have had more anxiety attacks than I have had in the past three years.
Most people do not realize that Autism is a universe. Anyone outside that universe thinks that it’s just your child being spoiled as stated to me by my ex-husband this morning. Everyone inside that universe understands that Autism sometimes swallows you up like a black hole. Autism began to swallow me up this morning. Change is the center of the issue, not getting ones way. I think as the parent of two special children, I always say, “they didn’t get their way”, but what I’m really saying to those inside the universe is that something changed and they are not okay with it. I live a life of routine schedules, mountains of papers, and couponing. Yes, I said couponing. I have to coupon my way through life to ensure that we get the things that we need to survive. Autism is never-ending events that sucks the life out of your entire family and spits you back out, or rather what is left of you. My children are priceless human beings. Each of them has their own way of dealing, coping, but sometimes, they are like Neo from the Matrix. You know the moment that he jumps into Mr. Smith and Mr. Smith shatters into a million pieces, kids with Autism often have to move, or scream, or yell because they feel as though they are going to implode with pressure. My son can not express how he feels like normal kids when he gets this way, even though he is verbal, he still can not tell me, “Mom, I’m sick or mom, I feel like I need to flail my body into a wall before I catch on fire”.
Autism sucks. I have those days where I wish that I were Peter Pan, able to go to Never Never Land and never grow up and have to deal. Sadly, much like my flux capacitor, I know that that will never work. Clicking my heels and wishing that there was no place like home is futile. All I can do is tweak the schedule, make things as consistent as possible and pray that we get through the days without incident. Yet as they grow, evolve, things will change and I will have to adapt. Even though evolution is where I am, I am stuck and Autism always SUCKS!